just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
