Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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