hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
