That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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