I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
