don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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