She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
