K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
