I hate your face
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Oh god it's open bar.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
