mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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