life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My first STD was from a foam party
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
