Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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