Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
