I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
