I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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