Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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