First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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