I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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