while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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