Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
