I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize