The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
