I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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