Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
