capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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