At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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