i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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