my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
