Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
