One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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