I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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