His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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