I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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