whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
