She is in my trunk
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
