She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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