if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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