I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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