omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
