I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
