Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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