I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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