so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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