Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
