i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
