I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
