I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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