If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
how does that bad decision feel?
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