I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize