my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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