i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
