i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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