help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
oh god was she eating orange peels again
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize