We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
