I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
