my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
