i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize