when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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