Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
