I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
